


I'm gonna lose you

by Stars_dreaming



Series: Purebloods [2]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Multi, Post-War, Remus and Tonks live, Sirius and Fred live, Theodore dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-28
Updated: 2018-09-28
Packaged: 2019-07-17 23:24:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,285
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16105946
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stars_dreaming/pseuds/Stars_dreaming
Summary: Her whole life Susan Yaxley has pretended everything is fine, even when her best friend dies, and her boyfriend gets tortured so much that he can hardly breathe. Now, when her friends move on, she can stop pretending.





	I'm gonna lose you

_From fairest creatures we desire increase,_  
_That thereby beauty’s rose might never die,_  
_But as the riper should by time decease,_  
_His tender heir might bear his memory:_  
_But thou contracted to thine own bright eyes,_  
_Feed’st thy light’s flame with self-substantial fuel,_  
_Making a famine where abundance lies,_  
_Thy self thy foe, to thy sweet self too cruel:_  
_Thou that art now the world’s fresh ornament,_  
_And only herald to the gaudy spring,_  
_Within thine own bud buriest thy content,_  
_And, tender churl, mak’st waste in niggarding:_  
_Pity the world, or else this glutton be,_  
_To eat the world’s due, by the grave and thee_

\- William Shakespeare

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

During her Hogwarts years, Susan Marie Yaxley was one of the most popular girls in school. Just one year older than Draco Malfoy and his friends, she had some sort of reputation. Troublemaker, liar, sneaky, you name it. Susan was also rather smart, and she - especially in her last three years - preferred to spend her time in the library, studying, or talking to her best friend, Muggleborn Shannon Riley. This only earned her respect from the Slytherins, as she was one of the few who actually befriended Muggleborns and half-bloods, and she dared to speak up for herself and her friends. 

Susan was a rather pretty girl to see, with short, curly, blonde hair, hazelnut brown eyes, beautiful cheekbones and a tiny, frail figure that only made her more innocent. Her confidence had made her skin glow, and she smiled a lot. 

But now, after the war, she had no confidence left. It had all been destroyed, as the mark on her arm filled everyone's eyes with disgust, and the scars on her face made her look like she fought a lot. There were no sparkling eyes anymore, there was no smile, and her glowing skin had been replaced by fallen-in cheeks, dark places under her eyes and chapped lips. Her blonde hair had grown enormously after the war, but she didn't care at all. She only cared about visiting Shannons grave, and visiting St.Mungo's to see how her boyfriend was doing. 

"Susie. Susie. Susan!" Draco said, waving with his hand in front of her eyes. "Huh?" Susan turned her face to him, her eyes filled with sadness. Draco sighed as he placed her mug on the table in front of her. "Have you eaten at all?" He asked softly, reaching out to stroke her cheek, but she shied away from his touch. Her hands were trembling as she reached for the mug. "Dray, I've just put all her clothes in the washing machine." Pansy stepped out of Susans bedroom. Draco looked up and smiled. "Thanks Pans. You're a great help. Can you.. uhm…" Pansy nodded, because she understood what he was trying to ask. Her heels ticking on the floor were indicating that she left the apartment. "Susie, you need to eat a little more. Just.. just try, okay?" She didn't respond. "I've made you some tea. Drink it. Pans, Blaise and I are coming to pick you up in a few hours." He got up, patted her on the back and left the apartment. 

The rest of the afternoon - it was the 2nd of May, and two years after the war - passed by in a blur. Susan vaguely remembered eating a banana, drinking the tea Draco had made for her and watching some Muggle movie on her television, as Pansy had called it. It seemed the whole Wizarding World was obsessed with everything Muggle now. Televisions, radios, not-moving pictures, and even Muggle clothing. Susan herself used to believe she was a proper pureblood, and that thus, she would never willingly involve with Muggles. But here she was, with a television and a radio, and a washing machine (Pansy said it was supposed to wash her clothes, but Susan still hadn't figured it out). She even had a dishwasher, which she used a lot. Magic was off-limits for now. Magic had only brought her death and anger, grief, and pain. So much pain. 

"Susie! We're here!" Pansy called in a happy voice. Susan stood in front of the mirror, biting her lip as she looked at herself. She looked exhausted, and she had pulled out a small dress that Theodore had given her. It was a bright red colour - she had snorted when he gave it to her. "Gryffindor colours Theo? Really?" He had smirked and pulled her in for a kiss. "I don't care about the Houses. You'd look beautiful in all the colours of the Houses." She had giggled and accepted it, but she never wore it, because she never got the chance. "Susie, are you ready?" Blaise stumbled into her bedroom - the one she used to share with Theodore, but she pushed that thought away. The dark boy looked at her with wide eyes. "You look amazing." Susan had even cut her hair again, so short that the tips barely reached her ears. Now everyone would be able to see her scar, the one that started on her forehead, went over her eyelid, across her cheek and into her neck. She just nodded and followed Blaise to the living room, where Pansy and Draco stood, softly talking to each other. Pansy looked at her with a big smile. "You look amazing sweetie. Come on, let's go." She took Susans hand and guided her out, grabbing her cloak. 

It wasn't the first time Susan had gone out - it was the first time in two weeks, though - and she hadn't planned on going out, but Draco had showed up in her apartment through the Floo, claiming that he desperately needed help. "I'm dating Harry Potter." He had said breathless. Susan had nodded, because she already knew. Pansy had sent her a letter that morning. It was sweet, how the girl was trying to connect with her. "And he's just invited me and my friends over for dinner at the Burrow. With the Weasleys!" He had grabbed her hand, looked her in the eye, and said, "You'll come with me, won't you?" And upon seeing his pleading, blue-grey eyes, she had nodded. And now she cursed herself silently for nodding. 

The Burrow was a large house, merely consisting of small parts that had been glued together. Arthur and Molly were powerful wizards to be able to keep the building standing. Susan had visited the Burrow one time before, and that was during a night she'd rather forget. Draco grabbed her hand. "Come on, we can't stand here forever!" He was beaming and had such a wide grin on his face that Susan felt the corner of her mouth quirk up. "You really are desperate for a boyfriend Draco." Blaise taunted the blonde boy. Draco just chuckled and pulled Susan with him towards the building. 

When the door opened, Susan did not expect Harry Potter himself to be standing there, and then walking outside, engulfing Draco in a hug and kissing him softly. She just stood there, looking at them, wondering if Theo and she could have been that way - had he not been tortured into barely surviving, and now barely alive. Pansy wrapped an arm around her shoulders. "We can visit him later tonight, if you'd like." She said in a soft voice. Susan looked at her. "I know you want to Susan. I can see it in your eyes. Now, hop hop, we should go inside to greet everyone." Pansy pushed her forward, and slightly nervous, Susan entered the house. 

The moment she entered she felt at ease. There were not a lot of people in the living room, only Harry, Draco, Ron, Hermione and Ginny. Ginny immediately got up, and carefully hugged Pansy. Susan looked at them, and then she felt Blaise coming to stand next to her. 

"I did not expect them to be so friendly," Pansy whispered in her ear, and Susan nodded, because she felt the same. Luckily, everyone seemed to know that she didn't like to be touched, and so they just said hello with a broad smile. Ginny had grasped her hands and softly told her that it was all going to be okay. Susan wanted to not believe her, but when she saw the girls eyes she felt something burrowed deep inside her come up again. Confidence. Trust. 

Dinner went well. Molly mostly talked to Harry and Draco, and Arthur and Blaise had stricken up a nice conversation about radios. Pansy had chosen Ginny to be her conversational partner, and as Fred, George and Hermione were talking, Susan was left to talk to Ron. She didn't however. Everyone knew by now - well, her friends, at least - that she hadn't said much since the day Shannon had died. She only talked to Shannons grave, and to Theodore. Sometimes, on the rare occasion that she visited her families' graves, she talked to her brothers grave. Draco, Pansy, Blaise and the others - Daphne, Astoria, Millicent, Lia and Ace - had gotten used to her silences. They never pressed her. 

Eventually, Molly got them small bowls with ice cream. She smiled happily as she provided everyone with spoons. "So, now, I'm really glad everyone's here today. We are one of the luckiest people in Great Britain, that we had the privilege of not losing anyone in our family." The moment Molly ended her sentence, Susan saw Pansy go pale. Then she noticed her hands were shaking, and before she knew it, she walked outside, unaware of Blaise saying her name softly. Hermione even tried to grab her hand, but Susan jerked away. 

* * *

When she got to St. Mungo's, she had wrapped the dark cloak around her small body. She didn't want to be recognized. Of course, the Healers would recognize her. Theodore Nott's girlfriend. That's who she was now. 

When she entered his room, he was awake. He turned his head to look at her, and her breath got caught in her throat when she saw how thin he had gotten. His brown honey eyes looked at her lovingly, and she felt the urge to cry. "Susie," he whispered, his voice raw. "Theo." Susan whispered, and her eyes filled with tears. She walked forward and sat on the side of his bed. His hand took hers. "Why are you crying love?" He asked softly, raising his hand to wipe away her tears. She sniffed. "Because.." she couldn't get the words out of her throat. They didn't say anything for a while. She knew that Pansy would want to come look for her, and she also knew that Draco and Blaise would stop her, because Draco knew that Susan needed time, and that most of that time was spent with Theodore. "I just love you so much," she whispered, and she pressed a kiss on his hand. "I love you so, so much." Before she knew it, she was crying again. They both knew why and neither wanted to say something. 

When Susan left Theo's room so he could sleep, it was almost midnight. She was on her way out when a woman called her back. "You must be Theodore Nott's girlfriend." The Healer said with a sad smile, and Susan felt a cold hand grab her heart. "I am Susan Yaxley, yes." She answered. The woman nodded. "You know everything about Theodore's condition, I presume?" Susan nodded. "It's worsening, I'm afraid. There's nothing we can do for him anymore, except feed him medicine and keep him alive for another week or so. I am terribly sorry." Susan blinked, once, twice. "Ma'am? Are you okay?" In a daze, Susan nodded. Then she turned around and ran outside, Disapparating with a loud crack. 

When the door of Draco's apartment opened, Susan stumbled inside, stammering something about: "He's going to die." She was crying, and her nose was running. She launched herself into Draco's arms, not even noticing that Harry, Pansy and Blaise were sitting in the living room, looking at her. Harry leaned over to Pansy. "What's going on?" "Susan is having a hard time." Blaise answered for her, and Harry eyed the couple suspiciously. "It's not up to us to tell you what is going on with her. Susan should tell you herself."

* * *

It took Draco about an hour to calm Susan down, and to dry her tears with a tissue, and ask her to explain to them what was wrong. Susan just sniffed and sat down on the sofa, staring at the woollen carpet. "The Healers say that his condition is worsening. They are doing their best to keep him alive right now, but...." Her voice broke and a few tears rolled down her cheek. She wiped them away and inhaled deeply, straightening her back. "He's going to die." Pansy moved over and softly grabbed her hand. "I'm sorry." Harry said quietly, looking up at his boyfriend, who was staring at Susan with his brows furrowed. Harry could only guess who Susan was talking about - after all, the young ex-Death Eaters kept their secrets well hidden from the world. Susan sniffed, and looked at him.

"Everything you and your friends think about is how to go on, and how to live your life to the fullest. You don't give a shit about the people you're leaving behind, the people who are traumatised and who can't sleep at night, and the people that are looked down upon because of choices their parents made. As the Saviour of our beloved Wizarding World you might get all the love you need, and all the family and friends you want, but I hate to break it to you,  _Potter,_ but not everyone has that privilege!" Harry flinched at the use of that old nickname, and Draco's furrowed brows deepened. "Susan, don't go picking fights you don't want to pick." His tone was soft, and warning. "My boyfriend is going to die because of him." Susan said, her voice so cold that Pansy could feel the shivers running up her spine. She got up. "Here," Blaise said, getting up, and handing her a few coins. Susan nodded and Disapparated without a second glance, leaving the four behind. Draco sighed. "I'm sorry Harry. She shouldn't have said all that-" Harry raised his hand to stop Draco. "No, she's right. The past two years all we've been thinking about is how lucky we were to make it without any losses, and we- I haven't thought about any of you at all." "Susan is the only one of us who lost her whole family." Blaise said. Harry looked up at him, but Blaise avoided the young Aurors gaze. "All of us - we still have everyone we need. But Susan has lost her parents, her little sisters, her brother, her best friend, and now she's even going to lose Theodore." "Theodore? As in Theodore Nott?" Blaise nodded. "Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange tortured him after Susan ran away with her best friend. He's being kept alive by machines." "But why hasn't anyone heard of that?" Harry interrupted Draco, who was about to say something. Pansy scoffed. "Because we purebloods know how to keep secrets." Harry raised an eyebrow. Draco simply sighed. "Let's not fight today, Pans, Harry." He turned around to walk to the kitchen. "We're not going to search for her? What if something happens to her, what if-" Blaise gave him a look that made him shut up. Draco turned around again. "If purebloods don't want to be found, they won't be found Harry." He sang mysteriously, and disappeared into the kitchen. Pansy rolled her eyes. "And besides, Susan is going to visit the graveyard. We don't want to interrupt." Pansy added. Harry nodded. "Alright. Who wants tea?" 

* * *

* * *

* * *

_Give sorrow words;_

_The grief that does not speak_

_Knits up the o-er_ _w_ _rought heart_

_And bids it break_

\- William Shakespeare

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

Cleaning up her apartment was somewhat of a relief for Susan. The moment she had come home; it was around 5 in the morning by then, she had decided that she would do a thorough spring cleaning. So she took up her wand - for the first time in a year - and strengthened the wards around her apartment. Then she got off to work. 

The whole morning was spent carrying baskets with hot water and soap, taking all her books, pictures, plates, cups and clothes out of the cupboards and cleaning everything. When she was done doing that, the whole floor was dusty and dirty. So, she stacked all her items back in the cupboards and on the shelves - some of them she put in boxes to put away - and vacuumed the whole apartment. That night she had had time to think while she was at the graveyard, talking to a grey stone - the one that belonged to Shannon. She had realized that she needed to clean her life up, and that meant with starting to clean her apartment. When she was done, she washed all her clothes, dried them, folded them, and examined every little piece. She ended up with four boxes full of old clothes - mainly wizarding robes - to give away. 

It was late afternoon when she discovered she was hungry - she was writing a letter to a company she wanted to work at, and her stomach rumbled all of a sudden. And Susan suddenly laughed. She got up, searched the cupboards for food, and discovered she had nothing. So, she got out carrying all the boxes, walked to the nearest jumble sale; which was ten minutes walking distance - and then she proceeded to the supermarket for food. She bought all kinds of food in the Muggle store: bread, cookies, meat, vegetables, salad, fruit, milk, honey, yoghurt, and so much more. 

When she returned to her apartment, she put everything in its respective place, and she cooked a nice dinner for herself. During dinner, she finished the letter she was writing. She thought of how to send it, pondering if she should send it with an owl, or if she could hand it to the mailman. She eventually chose the Muggle way. 

After a long, hot shower, Susan stepped outside the bathroom with only a towel wrapped around her body, and her wet hair in a tiny bun. She sighed, and took some Muggle clothes out of her closet - a white, of-shoulder top, with a dark blue skirt. As she took the elastic band out of her hair, it was so curly that she did not know where to start brushing it down. The moment she reached for her hair brush, someone knocked on the door. 

Harry had stayed in Draco's apartment for the night, and he had asked Pansy for Susans address - he wanted to go and apologize to her, even though her friends told him that was not necessary. He didn't expect the door to be opened so soon, or to see the blonde girl standing in front of him, dressed in Muggle clothes that were suitable for warm weather. He smiled lightly, nervous, even. Susan didn't smile. She just looked at him with no emotion. "Wat are you doing here?" She asked in a soft voice. "I came here to talk to you. I want to apo-" "You don't need to apologize, Harry. I must apologize to you. What I said was inappropriate." "But it's true!" Harry exclaimed, and Susan cocked an eyebrow. "We've never payed attention to the other people who were in need, and who were scared, people like you. People who lost so much, and who were not recognized." Susan opened the door wider. "You can come in, if you want. I'll make you some tea, if you'd like." 

A few minutes later the two of them were sitting on the kitchen table, with two steaming mugs in the middle. Harry looked around. Draco had said that Susan had become very untidy - because she didn't care about cleaning anymore. It appeared she had cleaned. Why? "So, you and Dray huh?" Susan said, and Harry looked up at her. She smiled. "You must like him a lot." A blush crept up his cheeks and he nodded. "Well, he likes you a lot as well. I think both of you deserve each other." It became silent as Susan looked out the window. "How about you and Theodore?" Harry asked, and immediately he wanted to slap himself for asking such a stupid question. But Susan only smiled. "When Shannon got killed, Theo was there for me to lean on. It didn't help, however, and I ran away from home. Needless to say, they weren't very happy. The Death Eaters..." Susan stopped talking and she wiped away a tear. "They tortured Theo and they killed my sisters." Harry grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "And then the Battle of Hogwarts begun, and my parents were off to fight. It was their own fault, being on the wrong side, but I still blame them for pulling me and my brother in it as well. He got killed while protecting me from Voldemort blood hounds." Susan shivered. Harry's widened in surprise. Susan looked at him. "Everyone on your side - including you - only ever thinks about the losses they have, and the sacrifices they made. They don't understand what it's like to live in another environment like mine, and Draco's. I had no choice. I didn't become a Death Eater because I wanted to, but they threatened my sisters..." The tears were coming in heavy streams now, but she didn't stop talking. "And all they can focus on is how bad we are, and what we have done to them, while they don't know our story. They have no idea what we've gone through." She took a sip from her tea and exhaled. "But it's okay. There's nothing to do about it anymore. I don't want to spend my entire life hating every single person in the world. Shannon wouldn't have wanted that." "So, you are doing this for Shannon? Telling me, cleaning up your apartment, wearing Muggle clothes.." Harry summed up. Susan shook her head. "No. I'm doing this for myself. But Shannon still plays a role in my life, even though she isn't there anymore." "Do you miss her?" Susan wiped away her tears. "Every day." 

* * *

The rest of the day was spent playing some Muggle game, laughing, chatting and eating with Harry. Susan came to the conclusion that the Saviour was not a stuck-up, and that he was actually really nice. He didn't mention the war, or anything, and Susan liked that. She wanted to forget, and forgive. But when Harry had asked her who she was doing it for, she had lied. She wasn't doing this for herself, or for Shannon at all. She was doing it for Theo. Because she needed to stop pretending that everything was fine, and if she didn't move on, than she could never stop pretending. So yes, indirectly she was doing it for herself, but mostly for Theo. 

When Harry had left, the sky was turning pink and soft purple as the sun was setting already. Susan was making dinner for herself - a pasta salad with tomatoes and chicken - when she heard the door open. "Susan!" Pansy came strolling in, and she immediately stopped walking as she took in her surroundings. Susan only smiled and took out another plate. "Hey Pans. How was your day?" Pansy's mouth opened and closed. "I made enough food for two. You can come and sit, if you want." Pansy took the plate and sat down on the kitchen table. 

"So, tell me, has anything interesting happened?" Susan put down the bowl of pasta and filled the two plates. Pansy smiled. "Well, not really. I see you've been busy." Susan chuckled. "Yes, I have. Cleaning up everything, getting a new job, talking to Harry.." Pansy's mile widened. "That's great Susan! I'm so proud of you." Susan merely smiled and started eating. 

The two girls visited St. Mungo's after dinner, where Blaise, Draco, and surprisingly Harry, were waiting. Blaise pulled Pansy in for a short kiss. "I didn't know you guys were visiting as well." Susan said. Draco smiled and patted her on the back. "We're coming with you of course. Lead the way!" Susan smirked and quickly walked into one of the small hallways. 

Theo's room was warm. He was laying in his bed, fast asleep. His skin was as pale as the white blankets pulled over him. "Oh god." Harry gasped and he stopped in his tracks. Theodore's arms were covered in thick, white scars. There was also a scar running across his neck. Susan smiled sadly, and sat down next to him, taking his hand and kissing it. "These are the effects of the Unforgiveable Curses used too many times." Pansy said with a malice tone. Her eyes flickered darkly as she sat down on the other side of the bed. "Theo was lucky. They stopped just in time. Otherwise he would've gone completely mad, like the Longbottoms." Draco said, and he wrapped an arm around Susans trembling body. "Everything's going to be okay Susie. He will have peace." He whispered in her ear. Susan nodded, her eyes glued to Theo's face. "Good afternoon." Harry stepped away to let a female Healer pass through. Her face was stricken with worry. Susan looked up. "Miss Yaxley, I need some of your time. It's best if your friends leave." Blaise took Pansy away, who shot Susan a worried look, and Harry took Draco's hand, guiding him away softly. 

The four did not know what the Healer was talking about, but judging the sight of Susans tears, it was not good. And then they heard a shriek coming out of her mouth, and Susan was clinging to Theo's body, which was shuddering. The Healer raised her wand and a soft blue light encircled Theo's body. "What's happening?" Pansy asked. "He's not going to make it." Draco's expression was pained as he sat down on the cold floor. "No.. Susan.." Pansy breathed, and Blaise wrapped her in a warm embrace. 

* * *

* * *

* * *

_ If heaven had a window and God granted me a view _   
_ of all the beauty it beholds, I'd only look for you. _   
_ I'd listen for your laughter that was always music to me. _   
_ Your beautiful hair and hazel eyes are what I'd wish most to see. _   
_ If I could only view once more the smile that warmed my heart, _   
_ I'd treasure that moment as long as I live and we must be apart. _   
_ Here on earth I search for you and pray to God for signs, _   
_ and every day that passes you're still with me in my mind. _   
_ I know you're happy in heaven; you've earned your mansion indeed. _   
_ I imagine your kitchen table and you waiting there for me. _   
_ I love you and I miss you more than words can say, _   
_ and what I wouldn't give just to talk to you today. _   
_ I hope that you can hear me and listen to my thoughts, _   
_ and wherever this life takes me you know I've not forgotten _   
_ that once upon a time I was blessed and loved, it's true, _   
_ and if heaven had a window I'd only look for you.   
_

- Kathy J Parenteau

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

The funeral was a week later. It was pouring outside, something usual for the spring in England. Susan and Theodore had spoken about it a few times - when he was still able to speak, that is. He wanted to be buried close to her grave, and since Susan wanted to be buried close to her family and friends, he would be buried in the same graveyard as Shannon and her family. 

It was secluded. Pansy, Blaise, Draco, Daphne, Astoria, Millicent, Lia and Ace (Susans and Shannons Muggleborn friends) were with her the day before. Susan had admitted that it would do good if Harry was there as well, as he was support for Draco, and because she'd like it if she could be friends with him. And she didn't want to hide anything from her friends anymore. What she hadn't expected was for the whole Weasley family to show up. 

They were standing a little farther away though, so Susan did not at all feel compelled to talk to them. After all, she hadn't invited them. But she knew who did, and she would talk to him about it, but later. Now was definitely not the time. 

She held a white rose in her hand - Theodore's favourite flower. Her hands were trembling, and so was her lip, as the tears rolled down her cheek. The Muggle priest said a few words, before a man dressed in black handed Susan a shovel. She threw a bit of sand on Theo's coffin. She sniffed, and dropped the rose on the black coffin. "I love you." She whispered, so soft that no one could hear her. I will never find someone like him again. I will never love someone as much, she thought. 

Draco was next. He took the shovel out of Susans hands, took a bit of dirt from the pile, and dropped it Theo's coffin. His face was emotionless, but Susan knew that he was affected by Theo's death. Draco would mourn in his own way. They all would, actually. Pureblood training kept them from saying anything, or showing any emotion. It didn't work for Susan, but she forgave herself. 

Pansy and Blaise followed. They each dropped red roses on the coffin as well. Daphne and Astoria had brought lilies, Theo's moms favourite flowers, and they put them on the coffin. Millicent had brought a bouquet of yellow and pink roses, and she put on the head of the coffin, right where Theo's head was. She whispered something inaudible, and Susan was surprised to see a tear rolling down her cheek. Lia and Ace - twins, with short dark hair and green eyes - were religious, and put down a small cross and a bible on the coffin. The men standing behind them grabbed two shovels and carefully started pouring the earth on the coffin. Daphne, Astoria, Lia, Ace, Millicent, Blaise and Pansy stepped backwards to give Susan and Draco some privacy. Draco wrapped his arm around her, and Susan cried with her face buried in his black jacket. Draco didn't say anything, he just looked at the coffin which disappeared under the earth, while stroking Susans back. 

A small get-together was held in Susans apartment. The Weasleys invited themselves, and everyone waited for Susan to get back from the graveyard (she was paying her last respects). When the door opened, Susan appeared with a wet cloak. She managed to smile as she hung up her cloak to dry. "Welcome, everyone." She said with a soft voice. "I thank you for attending Theo's funeral today, and for supporting me throughout." With that, three hired House-elves brought in tea, coffee and treats, and Susan sat down on the couch, looking out the window. 

"Hey." Susan turned to look. It was Hermione Granger, who sat next to her. "I'm very sorry for your loss. I don't know if you are okay with us being here, but we wanted to be there for you as well." "It's a sweet thought." Susan said, and Hermione smiled. "If we can help in any way, you can tell us." Susan nodded. "Hey 'Mione, can I borrow her for a moment?" Harry appeared. Hermione got up and walked towards Fred, who greeted her with a kiss. "How are you feeling?" Harry asked, his voice filled with concern. "A little worn out, but overall I'm fine, really." She shot a glance at her friends, who were all looking at her. "Look Harry, you might not understand, but I've always seen this coming. And of course I'll need some time, but I will be okay in some time. I will never forget him." Harry smiled. "Just remember that we're all here for you." Then, to his and her own surprise, Susan hugged him tight. "Thank you," she whispered in his ear, "thank you." 

* * *

After Susan recovered Theo's stuff and she visited the Nott Mansion, she agreed with her friends that she would not sell it. She would preserve it, and make sure that it was used from time to time. She visited Theo's grave every day for two months, bringing flowers and candles with her every time. Eventually, she only visited him twice a week. Her heart still ached, but only a little, and she could bear it. 

For the first time in years, she put up moving pictures again in her house. Ones of Theo and her, Shannon, Lia, Ace and her, a few of Draco, Pansy, Blaise and her, and even one with Harry. "You know, this looks great." Pansy said, twirling around in her new dress that Blaise bought her. Susan giggled and looked at her own, deep green Chinese dress. "I think it's fairly appropriate for Draco's party." Pansy winked and the two girls burst into a fit of giggles. 

Draco's twenty-first birthday would be celebrated in Nott Mansion, because it had a huge ballroom and enough space for all the guests to stay the night. Pansy and Susan had dedicated an entire week to decorate the Mansion for his birthday on the fifth of June, and now everything was ready. "I do hope he likes my gift," Susan said while staring at the small silver dragon, with emerald eyes. It contained special magic to make three wishes. "Of course he will! Even if you would give him a garbage can he would love it! Come on Susie, he absolutely adores you." Pansy laughed. Susan looked at her with a small smile. "Alright. Let's hope so. Is it time yet?" She looked at the clock. "It is. Let's grab our cloaks!" 

The ballroom was filled with so many people that Susan didn't even know where to find her friends. But, she didn't have to, because they found her. "Susie! I see that you're back from your mission to China!" Daphne hugged her tightly and Astoria pecked her on the cheek. "You look marvellous in that dress." Millicent said, while appearing with her hand in another girls, who was looking around with interest. "Everyone, this is Emma. Emma, these are my friends." Emma turned around and smiled. "How wonderful to meet you all! Millicent has told me all about you!" The girls laughed. "I see all of you have started without us." Blaise's humoured voice rang through them and the group broke apart. Susan hugged her friend, and kissed him on the cheek. Draco was standing behind him with a smirk. "You look stunning Dray!" Susan exclaimed before engulfing him in a warm embrace. "Happy birthday." She pressed the package in his hands. "Open it when you're alone." Draco nodded. "I will. Thank you." He kissed her cheek. "I'm glad that you came. How was China?" "Oh, China was marvellous! I'll tell you all about it when we're together, so I won't have to tell the story twice." Draco laughed. "That's okay. Do you want anything to drink?" 

The evening was spent in laughter, and Susan thought that she could never be so happy ever again. Well, she was wrong. It was midnight when Harry got down onto his knee, and proposed to Draco, who burst into tears and said yes. Apparently, Blaise and Pansy had gotten Draco a kitten, and the small black monster had run off into the halls. Susan spent half an hour chasing him, and eventually she returned with the kitten in her arms to the party. She wasn't paying attention to where she was walking, and before she knew it, she bumped into another woman with dazzling blue eyes. "Oi! I'm sorry!" Susan dropped the kitten, who ran off again. Softly, she cursed. "Oh god, I'm so sorry!" The woman said with a soft voice. "Oh it's okay." Susan waved it away. "No it's not, now you need to chase the kitten again. Let me help you." The woman smiled at her. "Alright. Quickly, she's going around the corner!" The two women ran towards the small kitten. Susan smiled to herself. Maybe she had been wrong on Theo's funeral. Maybe she could love someone again. And she would cherish that.

* * *

* * *

* * *

 

_ Imagine if I was given one moment,  _   
_ just a single slice of my past. _   
_ I could hold it close forever, _   
_ and that moment would always last. _

  
  
_I'd put the moment in a safe,_  
 _within my hearts abode._  
 _I could open it when I wanted,_  
 _and only I would know the code._

  
  
_I could choose a time of laughing,_  
 _a time of happiness and fun._  
 _I could choose a time that tried me,_  
 _through everything I've done._

  
_ I sat and thought about what moment, _   
_ would always make me smile. _   
_ One that would always push me, _   
_ to walk that extra mile. _

  
_ If I'm feeling sad and low, _   
_ if I'm struggling with what to do. _   
_ I can go and open my little safe, _   
_ and watch my moment through. _

  
  
_There are moments I can think of,_  
 _that would lift my spirits every time._  
 _The moments when you picked me up,_  
 _when the road was hard to climb._

  
  
_For me to only pick one moment,_  
 _to cherish, save and keep,_  
 _Is proving really difficult,_  
 _as I've gathered up a heap!_

  
  
_I've dug deep inside my heart,_  
 _found the safe and looked inside,_  
 _there was room for lots of moments,_  
 _in fact hundreds if I tried._

  
  
_I'm building my own little library,_  
 _embedded in my heart,_  
 _for all the moments spent with you,_  
 _before you had to part._

  
  
_I can open it up whenever I like,_  
 _pick a moment and watch it through,_  
 _My little library acts as a promise,_  
 _I'll never ever forget you_

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Sources: 
> 
> Sonnet 1: http://www.shakespeare-online.com/sonnets/1.html  
> Quote 2: https://www.brainyquote.com/authors/william_shakespeare   
> Poem 3: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/if-heaven-had-a-window  
> Poem last: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/my-memory-library


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